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Eduardo Blanco
Jun 28, 2021
In Wellness Forum
Sharing what I ve learned in the last 24 hours of my life. -FACT: I RAN AWAY AFTER AN ANXIETY ATTACK. 🚨 -WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE: I had been invited to a boat party organised by a dear friend and his family. - I really wanted to be there. Social anxiety began to kick in about 24 hours before the event. I practiced my coping mechanisms (Tappilini), saying to myself, “you can do this, it’s ok; You’ll be ok. You have learned to detach from the drama of the mind, just flow with the situation. It’s safe. BREATHE.” 6 hours prior the event, I checked in with my emotions, they were in turmoil. Meditated once again and activated all my coping systems: - 30 min silent Vipassana mediation, observing my emotions and thoughts. - Tappilini (25 minutes) to disconnect the FIGHT FLIGHT OR FREEZE response of my nervous system and to gain perspective. - Positive thinking and affirmations. - A lot of deep breathing… I mean A LOT! One hour before leaving the house, I was fine, emotions were fine, mind silent. All good 👍🏽 Got ready, dressed code: FancyBoat. - Traveled to the location. A little too early. This was my first time in central London since before the Covid lockdown. I felt strange but in control. All good 👍🏽 Managed to find the boat where the party was beginning to brew. Saw my friend and family, love and hugs and initial chitchat beautiful. All good ❤️👍🏽 Then, the crisis began…. After the initial greetings and mingling about saying hello to everyone where a big persona of mine sparked out of nowhere, pretending to be the most confident man on that boat, came a point of void. I had already followed my personal scripts for social interaction and I came to the point of … ok, what’s next? Realised I couldn’t just come up with good small talk and began to feel awkward. I told myself I was not going to get drunk to do be able to talk out of my arse (if needed be). So, I found somewhere quiet to sit and checked in with my emotions. I felt the anxiety levels go up very quickly to incontrolable levels. I wanted in that moment to do a bit of mediation, tapping and breathing exercises. But instead I quickly jumped out of my sit and pretended everything was alright. Big mistake 👎🏽 Mingled a bit more, and made even more small talk. But the situation just got worse. My words were sloppy my ideas unclear and I could feel my face red with the rush of blood. Now, that I think things better, it would’ve been great if at that point I had just sat down and done my Tappilini. Which I knew it would’ve solved everything. Even asking my friend to have a very quick 5 minute breathing session to check on anxiety levels with all passengers would’ve been good idea, considering that many might still had been very anxious with the Covid restrictions been lifted recently. - anyway, none of that happened. Instead I found myself standing awkwardly without knowing where to go or to whom to approach. I looked at them and smiled. My awkward inner-child remembered how I used to isolate from crowd watching from a distance, smiling at them. In that moment I overheard people talking, saying they were going go down to get some cash before the boat’s departure. In my mind I just saw a window of opportunity to get out of there. My mind clouded and I began to sweat profoundly. Without thinking I began to make my way towards the exit, but my friend found me and stopped me at the top of the stairwell as other guest were coming to the upper deck. I was caught in between my friend’s unmistakably charm, his camera and the kisses and hugs of the new people coming in. I gave my best of smiles but I felt my eyes rolling over with every passing moment as if I were about to faint. When the pictures were taken, I rushed to grab my coat and walked out the boat. I could hear my friend taking to another of his friends going to get cash saying “we’ll wait for you.” I couldn’t turn my head and didn’t look at my friend. At that point the anxiety levels were overflowing. RUN! Was the only think in my mind. On my way back home, I could feel the sensation of wanting to disappear from the face of the earth getting stronger and stronger. I began to trash myself for what I’ve just done. Called myself a coward, a bad friend, a bad teacher, questioned the validity of my teachings and practice. I even criticised what I was wearing and felt ridiculous. Turned my phone off. I couldn’t even think what I’d say if anyone called wondering where was I. WHAT HAPPENED AFTER: This morning, I felt dreadful but didn’t know why. I did my meditation but that didn’t help much. I was still feeling really bad. Then I meditated even more but that still didn’t work. I couldn’t understand why I felt the way I felt and I couldn’t let it go. So, I meditated even more. I did my Tappilini 3 times. That is 25 minutes each, plus 60 minutes vipassana mediation. And then I began to see a bit more clearly what was going on … With the answers came peace. (This is what I got)… let me know your thoughts 💭 - my mistake (lesson) began from even before I left my home. The way I dressed and the identity I thought I wanted to project. A) I realised I project one identity in front of a class and another with strangers and friends. This fragmentation relates to the fear and doubts I feel about myself and who I am and what I do. I thought I needed to be something else in that party instead of being who and what I am every day of my life. 😎 I feared being judged big time. If I had just sat down and done deep breathing or even my Tappilini in a quiet place on that boat, nothing would’ve happened. But I feared how people would see me and think of me. C) I thought I couldn’t talked to anybody about what i was going through. I felt I was the odd one out and needed to remove myself from the scene, which reassured the separation and isolation of my mind. I’m sure if I had just talk to someone, my friend or even my mom on WhatsApp or shared my anxiety online I would’ve received instantly the support I needed. D) Anxiety, shame, guilt and fear are a work in progress. Doesn’t matter how much we could think we got it all figured out life will find the way to test all that we think we are and know. E) Humility and gratitude 🙏🏽 Sharing the lesson is a very humbling experience. And I wish to remember everything that just happened to be more humble and empathic next time I teach Tappilini or talk about emotions. F) EVERY LITTLE HELPS. Everything we do to cope, learn and understand from our feelings, emotions and thoughts counts! If I hadn’t done and put into practice everything I know to find peace and learn the lesson, this anxiety attack would’ve taken a bigger toll on my mental health, self esteem and confidence. Feeling bad for much longer and even prolonging the escape reactions with addictions or worse. 🟢 I think everything happens for a reason, and in many ways we are at the mercy of this universe. However, the way we act and react to the circumstances presented is what makes the difference. We can always choose to feel empowered or disempowered. In this story, I had many times the opportunity to choose differently, but let my emotions outrun my judgement. And that is ok…. If I don’t let myself stubble with the same stone over and over again. This is why I’m writing this post. To share what I’ve done, the way I felt, what I did differently and the results I’ve got out of it. With the intention that it might help someone else cope or understand their emotions. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LISTENING 🙏🏽❤️ There’s always a light at the end of every tunnel; mine is Tappilini. www.tappilini.com As my teacher says: DONT GIVE UP YOURE NOT ALONE I LOVE YOU 🤟🏽 ✅
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Eduardo Blanco
Jun 26, 2021
In Wellness Forum
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Eduardo Blanco

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